Change….

That moment in life when you realise that things have to change! You are tired of the same old nonsense everyday! What do you do? How do you make the necessary change? How you move from one level of life into another. Do you just wake up and say let’s do this, or do you gradually fall into change? I am one who has never liked change and to certain levels I have even been afraid of change! I get pumped up and make a list of all the things I would like to do differently… and then tell myself I’ll start tomorrow! Tomorrow comes but I still find myself doing the same things and then I tell myself oh I’ll start tomorrow. Of course the trend continues until its next month, next year even!

Let me give an example of weight loss! Growing up I was never overweight, I was skinny all the way from primary school through to my twenties. When I started taking birth control pills I just ballooned and ever since I have always struggled to drop the weight. So when I fell pregnant back in 2011, I piled on more weight. After the baby, I weighed a shocking 85kg and that’s when I decided to work harder to lose weight. I planned to eat healthier and exercise more. I started out great (pumped up!) then after a couple of days I went back to my old ways. I told myself oh well, I can start again tomorrow can’t I? Truth be told, I wasn’t happy with what I saw in the mirror, but what could I do? This weak person who can’t stick to change was holding me hostage! So there I was, unhappy but without the willpower to change my situation!

I can think of so many other things I have wanted to change, things I have been unhappy with, things I have the power to change but sadly enough have never had the courage to. Today I ask myself, what stops me from becoming the person I want to become?

Random Thoughts….Those Little Things

I was recently reminded of a story I heard long ago. The story is of a boy who brought a lion cub into the village he was staying in. He thought the cub was cute and that it was a good play mate. Against all advice to get rid of the cub, the boy kept it and the cub eventually grew into a big lion. One day as they were playing in the bush, chasing each other, the boy fell down and cut his leg. The lion came and licked the blood on the boy’s leg and all of a sudden the suppressed lion instincts came rushing forth. The lion tore the boy apart, rushed into the village and killed everyone. All of a sudden the cute lion cub had turned into this huge killing beast! This is a sad story, but so it is in our lives.

Think about it for a minute, what is that one thing that you know is wrong but cant stop doing? That one thing that you hide away from everyone else because it’s wrong? It’s one of those things that you know you should stop, you know its a bad habit, but you enjoy it so much, you like it! But you cant stop because after all, it’s not hurting anyone is it. No one knows about it so it cant hurt them can it. But what happens one day when you get found out, when it gets out of hand? The things we think are okay and harmless will one day grow into this huge mess that will tear us apart unless we deal with them. This story challenged me to look deep into myself and identify the things that are wrong but I think are cute and harmless. I hope it challenges you too!

My Pregnancy Journey So Far

For some time before falling pregnant, I strongly felt I could not walk the pregnancy journey again. I know it’s the opposite of how I felt at the beginning when all I wanted to do was try again. I felt I could not endure the journey again because of my fears, worries and hurt. It was at this point that I heard God say to me, “Who are you to say you cannot do this again?” I let go of my fears and chose to try again. Here I am now in my third trimester, getting closer to seeing my baby.

I have had days where I have felt some pain in my body and the immediate temptation is to panic. You want to know what every single sensation is, why it’s happening and if it will affect the baby. If it wasn’t for pregnancy forums on the internet, the doctor would have been tired of me already. I have been through pregnancy before but it sure doesn’t do anything to ease the worries. I have had to monitor my blood pressure and avoid stressful situations…so far I must say I’m doing well. My blood pressure has been good and hasn’t been any cause for concern. God has been my strength through all this. I spend most of my days working in a stressful environment. I work for a person who can be very unpleasant for long periods of time. So managing to stay calm has been a major feat for me!

Doctor’s appointments have been a joy to go to. Seeing my baby grow each month has filled me with so much joy. Scans have shown that we are expecting a baby girl so I am very much excited! My husband and I agreed a while back that he would name the boys and I would name the girls. Settling on a name hasn’t been easy but I believe I have found the right name for her.

Ultimately, the pregnancy journey has been exciting for me. I have a couple more months to go and I pray that God remains my strength.

Psalm 91: 2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Him will I trust.

Random Thoughts….Peace or Love

So here I am by my desk, minding my own business when I started thinking of beauty pageants. Like really now, beauty pageants!! Since when does my mind wonder about such things. Just one question popped in my head really. The famous question that always ends with the contestants saying they want world peace.

So what is peace? Peace can be defined as harmony, reconciliation, ceasefire, goodwill, calm, quiet, stillness… the list goes on and on. Think of the number of times you have said you “choose to hold your peace”. What exactly did you really mean? For me, not you maybe, but for me it has just meant that I choose to keep quiet. I choose to keep quiet even though it hurts so bad inside, even though all I want to do is scream and let it all out. I choose to maintain my calm even though a storm is brewing on the inside. That’s how I “chose to hold my peace”. So is it possible world peace can be like that? Countries choosing to hold their calm even though they are hurting or feeling disrespected? Let me ask a question, what happens when we can no longer hold the peace? I think peace can sometimes be a cover, a face we wear to hide what’s inside. Peace does not necessarily lead to forgiveness or love.

Let me move on to love. Love can be defined as affection, adoration, tenderness, friendship, fondness, devotion… again the list goes on. Love comes along with forgiveness. Think about it for a moment. When you love someone or something so much, and that someone or something hurts you, you can be mad for a while, but it doesn’t mean you now hate that person. In a little while you have forgiven them and you’re soon laughing with them again. Such is the cycle of love, it hurts sometimes but you forgive and soon the matter is forgotten. How can you love and continue to bear a grudge? How can it be love when there’s the danger of a storm coming? If you are filled with love inside, how do you hide it? You can’t help it, it just shows! It flows into everything you do, in everything you say.

So with my humble opinion expressed, world peace or world love, how would you answer the question?

I Corinthians 13: 13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Random Thoughts….Life

Have you ever felt like the life you’re living is not yours? This is really not how you pictured living your life at all. Remember when you were young and you had such great and mighty dreams and you pictured your life being so grand and beautiful? Or was that just me? You saw yourself living in this big house with a big yard, driving the car of your dreams and getting the most out of your life. I must admit I saw all these things for myself. I saw a big house, fancy car, married with beautiful kids and having the means to do more with my life.

In all this, I never pictured a life full of disappointment and constant hurt and confusion. I never pictured a life where I felt I had no other choice but to endure what was coming my way. People say you have the power to change your circumstances by the things you do or say, but have you ever felt this was just words being said to make you feel worse about your circumstance? What if you have been trying your best, does it mean it hasn’t been good enough? Does it mean you are a loser and have no hopes and ambitions? It is in these times that I ask myself if God is testing me or it’s the devil playing cruel tricks on me.

In times like these I find myself constantly battling to keep my faith strong. The hurt and disappointment grows into giants. It must be how the spies sent out by Israel to spy out Canaan felt. Numbers 13 31 But the men that went up with him said, we be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we. 32 And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. 33 And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. It was one man who had faith, only one who saw things different. Caleb the son of Jephunneh, of the tribe of Judah, in Numbers 13 verse 30 And Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it.

Sometimes the trials feel like they are giants and I am just a grasshopper. But I pray that God gives me strength to be like Caleb.

Luke 17: 6 And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you.

How We Got By

Getting over the loss of a baby is no easy thing. It was a great tragedy for my husband and I. We felt so let down and discouraged. But through it all we learnt some valuable life lessons and we learnt how to cope with situations in our lives. The first thing we did was allow ourselves time to grieve. We don’t have a formula for the grieving process, ie how long or how much. We just know it needs to happen as long as it needs to. The next thing we did was turn to God. I have always been a Christian and have always done what I thought was the Christian thing to do, such as go to church, read my Bible… I trust you get the picture.

My husband and I started in the book of Job. We needed to understand how it was that Job lost everything but refused to turn away from God. I must admit, before this, Job was just another guy in the Bible who was there to convince me that no matter what happens I have to stay in the Lord. The story of Job at this point was now very real to me. Job 1: 20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

We read through the story about how his friends and wife tried to get him to curse God for his misfortunes, but Job stayed strong in his faith. He grieved, he mourned, but he gave it all to the Lord. He stood his ground and trusted that the Lord was still God in his life. After all that he went through with his friends and within himself, the Bible in Job 42 verse 10 says that the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before. God turned Job’s mourning into dancing and his sorrow into joy.

When we read all this, we made a conscious decision to continue praising God, to stand by our faith even when it was hard. As we praised God, He comforted us. He brought peace into our hearts that was beyond our understanding. The days became bearable, and they turned into months, a year… and here we are! Standing our ground and stronger!

Psalm 30: 11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing, thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness.

We believe in our hearts that our latter days will be more blessed than our beginning!

Random Thoughts….Stolen Joy

Today is just one of those days that I’m feeling down. You’ll find it hard to believe that I woke up feeling happy and at peace with the world. My morning was bright and full of life. All it took to get me down was someone’s terrible mood and attitude. It’s easy to walk away from a person like this, but unfortunately I have to spend the whole day with this person. I have to deal with their anger and short temper. Unfortunately, or sadly, this happens more often than I enjoy. I let some person spoil my day. I spend my day asking myself why I let this happen.

We all have that one person that we feel is always or constantly trying to steal our joy. No matter what we do… smile, crack jokes or laugh, it never seems to be able to lift that person’s mood. In fact, they react opposite to how you want them to react. They become meaner, they snarl at you and funny enough, or not so funny enough, they talk to everyone else but you.

I am tired of having to feel I did something wrong when I haven’t done anything wrong. Today I make a resolution…I will not allow anyone to steal my joy. If you want to spend the day being moody and angry, go ahead, that’s you! I refuse to let someone drag me down with them. The Bible says the joy of the Lord is my strength and that every day is a day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. So who are you or who am I not to rejoice?

Let me rephrase the first sentence…today is just one of those days that I WAS feeling down.