It has been more than a year since I lost my baby. I must admit, the first couple of weeks were hard. I would cry sometimes. I felt the emptiness and aching in my heart. I asked a lot of questions, mostly why me, which went unanswered. Letting go was especially hard for me because each day I had to look at the scar on my tummy. The scar that would forever remind me of the day I lost my baby. I learnt that I couldn’t move on without letting go. I had to make a decision, I could either drown in my sorrow or I could begin the process of healing. I chose to let go. I chose to remember my baby with joy and appreciate the time I had spent with him. As each day passed, it got easier and I was on the road to recovery.
There is no road that I know of that is smooth with no bumps, even if it has been resurfaced. I have had my days of feeling low. I have had days where I have been angry. I have had days where I have wanted to smack some people. I now fully understand when people say ‘you don’t understand what I’ve been through or what I’m going through unless you have walked in my shoes.’ The journey from last year has been a journey filled with hurt and pain, but above that it has been filled with great faith.
How does one deal with friends or relatives having babies or telling you they are pregnant? I rejoice with them, but deep down I feel the pain in my heart. I remember my baby, why couldn’t he still be here? I give all the hurt and pain to God, the one who knows my future. The Comforter of my heart. I learn to rejoice with those bearing good news. I smile with them even though my heart aches.
I have had days when someone would come up to me and ask why I don’t have children yet? Coming from someone I don’t know made this statement a bit easier to bear. What I could not handle was someone who knows me, who knows what I have been through asking me this question. Someone I know acting as if my loss didn’t happen, acting as if last year didn’t happen. This is someone who actually wasn’t there for me during this time, someone who never checked up on me just to see how things were going. All they said was sorry for your loss, and I never heard from them again. Now this someone, after a while is now asking why I don’t have kids yet. If this was a cartoon, I would try and illustrate this. They have this huge smile on their faces and I am floored. I think to myself, Oh really?? It must have been just an image of you then that said “sorry for your loss”. But then again, because you haven’t walked in my shoes, losing a baby is like losing a house key to you, or maybe losing a pen, I mean hey, you can replace it right. But I have learnt, people are insensitive like that! How do you think you would respond to that if it was you? For me, it brings up sadness and sometimes anger. I feel like screaming out loud and telling the person off. I want to tell them to go where the sun doesn’t shine!
I have been hurt and confused. I have cried over my loss. I have cried over people who showed no care. BUT!!! Through it all, I have come out stronger and wiser. I have learnt through this journey to forgive. I have learnt that anger and hurt doesn’t get me anywhere and does not edify me in any way. I have learnt to walk in other people’s shoes first before I open my mouth, I think first before I speak. I have learnt to smile when I see the scar on my stomach. I have learnt to smile when I think of the baby I lost. I have learnt that God has a greater plan and purpose for my life than what I can imagine.
Here are some scriptures that helped me through the days:
Psalm 46: Be still, and know that I God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
Psalm 55: Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
Proverbs 3: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.