What does “standing firm” mean? It means standing your ground, refusing to abandon your beliefs, take a firm stand, and refuse to budge or be moved… I could go on with the meanings but I trust you get the picture. It is a fairly straight forward statement. In times of trouble it can be difficult to stand your ground. Fear and anxiety knock on your door and threaten to derail your faith. Challenges can seem so HUGE that you don’t know how you are going to face them. Stepping out in faith or standing in faith at this point seems impossible, feels like a waste of time. You feel like giving up, helpless even. But I urge you not to lose your faith. Exodus 14:13 “Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.” Today may not be TODAY, but your today is coming! Your deliverance is coming! Refuse to be shaken out of your faith…stand firm! Do not lose faith!
1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong.
I hate going back to this because it’s in the past now, but one can never forget or ever really get over the loss of a baby. One way or another it always finds its way back into your mind and affects the way you respond to stuff. I have been enjoying my life with my beautiful daughter Tamara. I can’t say things have been smooth flowing but so far I’ve been enjoying having her in my life and haven’t known love like this. Today I found myself in a state of panic and back in the place I was when I lost my first baby. I found my baby struggling to breathe and I must say I was filled with so much fear. Minor as it was, at the time it felt huge. My mind was filled with thoughts of losing Tamara I couldn’t think straight. I guess it will always be a part of my life. I can only pray for calm and peace of mind. I pray that I am able to stay calm when it matters most.
Job 13: 5 O that ye would altogether hold your peace! And it should be your wisdom.
It happened on a Friday evening. My husband and I were watching tv in the evening. As usual, I fell asleep on the couch! About an hour into my sleep, I had to go to the bathroom! Oh the joys of being pregnant! I remember lying there wondering if I could delay my bathroom trip by a few more minutes! I decided to get up anyway, as I got up, my water broke! What the heck I thought to myself, what is going on? My heart started pounding as I made the short trip to the bathroom. I must have been in so much shock, I didn’t say a word to my husband at that moment. As I got to the bathroom door, more water!! Now I started panicking, I remember telling my husband that I thought my water had broken.
I have never been in such a state of panic in my entire life! Having lost a child at 40 weeks didn’t make my state of mind any better. I was scheduled to go in for a c-section the following Tuesday so my mind wasn’t prepared for this! Getting dressed seemed to take for ever! Every minute felt like an hour as we prepared to go to the hospital. My mind was now in over drive. I didn’t want to be standing around, let alone walk downstairs to the car in case the baby fell out! I laugh at myself now, but at that time it wasn’t funny! I really didn’t want to risk anything.
We got to the hospital, and I must say, I was feeling a bit better, I wasn’t as panicked as I had been when we left home. They ran some tests on me, and announced that I was going to be having my baby that same night via emergency c-section. My blood pressure was high at that moment, most probably because I was in shock. They strapped some gadgets on my stomach that monitored my baby’s heart rate. I must say I hated that bit as at times I lost the baby’s heart rate because she was lying so deep in the womb. It was a nasty thing to do to me as it brought back the memories from when I lost my first baby. They had struggled to find the heart rate and here I was trying to monitor another baby’s heart rate.
I went into theatre shortly before midnight and at 23.54hrs on 27 September 2013, my beautiful daughter was born. We have named her Tamara, which means palm tree. The palm tree in the bible represents abundance, growth, being upright, fruitfulness. “The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree, they will grow like the cedar of Lebanon” (Psalm 92:12). Refer to “About Tamara” tab for more notes.
For some time before falling pregnant, I strongly felt I could not walk the pregnancy journey again. I know it’s the opposite of how I felt at the beginning when all I wanted to do was try again. I felt I could not endure the journey again because of my fears, worries and hurt. It was at this point that I heard God say to me, “Who are you to say you cannot do this again?” I let go of my fears and chose to try again. Here I am now in my third trimester, getting closer to seeing my baby.
I have had days where I have felt some pain in my body and the immediate temptation is to panic. You want to know what every single sensation is, why it’s happening and if it will affect the baby. If it wasn’t for pregnancy forums on the internet, the doctor would have been tired of me already. I have been through pregnancy before but it sure doesn’t do anything to ease the worries. I have had to monitor my blood pressure and avoid stressful situations…so far I must say I’m doing well. My blood pressure has been good and hasn’t been any cause for concern. God has been my strength through all this. I spend most of my days working in a stressful environment. I work for a person who can be very unpleasant for long periods of time. So managing to stay calm has been a major feat for me!
Doctor’s appointments have been a joy to go to. Seeing my baby grow each month has filled me with so much joy. Scans have shown that we are expecting a baby girl so I am very much excited! My husband and I agreed a while back that he would name the boys and I would name the girls. Settling on a name hasn’t been easy but I believe I have found the right name for her.
Ultimately, the pregnancy journey has been exciting for me. I have a couple more months to go and I pray that God remains my strength.
Psalm 91: 2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Him will I trust.
Its been more than a year since I lost my baby. Today I am happy to let you know that I am pregnant again! I have spent some time thinking about the things I should write in this article, and I have to tell you that it hasn’t been easy. Part of me (the chicken) didn’t want to share this news, and another part (the brave one) has been pushing for this. Am glad to say the brave one has outmuscled the chicken!
I write this article from the bottomest part of my heart (if such a thing exists) so here we go! This journey hasn’t been an easy one. From losing a baby, to wanting to be pregnant and to actually being pregnant has been quite an emotional ride, which I will never forget for the rest of my life. After losing my baby, all I wanted was to try again. Deep inside I couldn’t wait the one year recommended by the doctor, but my more sensible husband helped me keep my impatience in check. I patiently waited for time to pass. Then early this year, discovering I was pregnant again was the greatest joy, and greatest fear of my life. Joy was squashed by fear! My mind kept taking me back to last year when I lost my baby. You fool my mind told me, what if it happens again? What if you lose the baby again? How will you move on from that? How will you pick yourself up? And what will you tell people? Wow hey, how can my emotions stab me in the back like this? One minute we were counting the time, waiting impatiently to try again, the next minute I was standing alone with my emotions betraying me. Fear was now trying to be my friend.
Fear can keep us from so many things in our lives. Fear can stop you from achieving the greatest things in your life. It can keep you from success, prosperity and many more of God’s blessings. God can set before you a great vision or dream, but guess what, fear will most certainly come knocking! I realized that I had to face my fear and tell fear to get the stepping! I have to be brave enough to walk this journey and have faith and trust in God. For He knows the plans He has for me.
So I say, bring it on! This is a journey God has designed for me, and I will not be afraid to walk it!
Isaiah 41: 10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.