On This Day

On this day last year I gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. My life hasn’t been the same since that day. We named her Tamara meaning Palm Tree. A Palm Tree is a very strong tree, through severe storms it remains standing. It may be swayed by strong winds but ultimately it remains standing, it doesn’t break. Palm Trees are also fruitful trees. I could go on about Palm Trees but for now I’ll end here because this speaks of the kind of person I pray my daughter will be. Strong in the Lord, strong as a woman of God and fruitful.

On the 9th of February 2012, if you had told me I was going to be a mother one day I would have despised you because on that day we lost a full term baby boy due to pre-eclampsia. I was so hurt I thought I could never go through pregnancy again. At that time I told myself I couldn’t do it again.

Today I thank God He gave me strength in my day of trouble. I thank Him that He lifted me up from my hurt and sorrow. I thank Him for giving me that ability to let it all go and to hope again. For today, I celebrate my daughter’s first birthday.

Happy birthday to my gorgeous bubbly Tamara!

On this day I’m here to tell you that God has you in the palm of His hand. He’ll never leave you nor forsake you if you let Him be God in your life. Even in the dark times when you feel alone, He’s there. Don’t give up or turn your back on Him when times are rough, even when it seems the tough times won’t come to an end. Hold on and give Him praise!

Psalms 18:2-3 KJV

The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.  I will call upon the Lord , who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

Psalms 30:11 KJV

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

Isaiah 26:4 KJV

Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:

Psalms 46:10 KJV

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

Advertisements

Mourning Into Dancing

My daughter is sleeping right now. As I look at her I can’t help thinking that she looks so much like the baby I lost. Everything looks almost the same, especially the eyes. She reminds me so much of the son I lost. I can’t help imagine what it would have been like if he had survived. Would I still have had Tamara or she wouldn’t be here? One thing I am certain of is that I am happy I decided to try again. I am happy I didn’t give up after the disappointment and hurt I went through. I am grateful God blessed me with a beautiful little girl that fills my life with joy. God has surely given me beauty for ashes, He has turned my mourning into dancing!

I had lost all hope and had vowed I wouldn’t do it again. I told myself I wouldn’t survive another pregnancy and the possibility of losing another baby. God gave me the courage to try again. Fear threatened to overwhelm me during my second pregnancy but I did not give in. When the time to give birth came, I was so nervous I passed out during surgery but only after I had heard my baby cry. I woke up as they wheeled me to the recovery room. They brought my baby to me and all I could say was oh my!

God is forever good and faithful!

Sorrow Into Joy

Today, 9 February, is the day that I lost my baby two years ago. It is a day that I wish to forget but cannot. It is permanently stamped on my mind. It is easier to relive the events of that day though. God has been my rock and strength. And He turned my mourning into dancing, my sorrow into joy, by blessing me with a wonderful daughter whom I love with all my heart.

I praise God, my Father, the Creator of the Heavens and the earth, for all He has done for me.

Mummy Diaries….Joy

Being a mum is a blessing and such a joy. I remember the day she was born as the happiest day of my life. Up till now it has been such a joy having Tamara in my life. She’s so full of energy and joy, and it’s infectious….maybe not the full of energy part but certainly the joy. I find myself laughing even when I don’t want to. I find my heart so full of happiness without even searching hard for happiness. My life has truly changed.

When she looks into my eyes my heart melts. She wakes up in the morning with a smile for me that just truly blesses me. She holds onto me and doesn’t want to be too far from me. I must admit, it feels good to know that someone loves and needs me that much. I wish I could capture each moment forever.

The Lord has truly blessed me.

Does it ever stop?

I hate going back to this because it’s in the past now, but one can never forget or ever really get over the loss of a baby. One way or another it always finds its way back into your mind and affects the way you respond to stuff. I have been enjoying my life with my beautiful daughter Tamara. I can’t say things have been smooth flowing but so far I’ve been enjoying having her in my life and haven’t known love like this. Today I found myself in a state of panic and back in the place I was when I lost my first baby. I found my baby struggling to breathe and I must say I was filled with so much fear. Minor as it was, at the time it felt huge. My mind was filled with thoughts of losing Tamara I couldn’t think straight. I guess it will always be a part of my life. I can only pray for calm and peace of mind. I pray that I am able to stay calm when it matters most.

Job 13: 5 O that ye would altogether hold your peace! And it should be your wisdom.

The Day She Was Born!!

It happened on a Friday evening. My husband and I were watching tv in the evening. As usual, I fell asleep on the couch! About an hour into my sleep, I had to go to the bathroom! Oh the joys of being pregnant! I remember lying there wondering if I could delay my bathroom trip by a few more minutes! I decided to get up anyway, as I got up, my water broke! What the heck I thought to myself, what is going on? My heart started pounding as I made the short trip to the bathroom. I must have been in so much shock, I didn’t say a word to my husband at that moment. As I got to the bathroom door, more water!! Now I started panicking, I remember telling my husband that I thought my water had broken.

I have never been in such a state of panic in my entire life! Having lost a child at 40 weeks didn’t make my state of mind any better. I was scheduled to go in for a c-section the following Tuesday so my mind wasn’t prepared for this! Getting dressed seemed to take for ever! Every minute felt like an hour as we prepared to go to the hospital. My mind was now in over drive. I didn’t want to be standing around, let alone walk downstairs to the car in case the baby fell out! I laugh at myself now, but at that time it wasn’t funny! I really didn’t want to risk anything.

We got to the hospital, and I must say, I was feeling a bit better, I wasn’t as panicked as I had been when we left home. They ran some tests on me, and announced that I was going to be having my baby that same night via emergency c-section. My blood pressure was high at that moment, most probably because I was in shock. They strapped some gadgets on my stomach that monitored my baby’s heart rate. I must say I hated that bit as at times I lost the baby’s heart rate because she was lying so deep in the womb. It was a nasty thing to do to me as it brought back the memories from when I lost my first baby. They had struggled to find the heart rate and here I was trying to monitor another baby’s heart rate.

I went into theatre shortly before midnight and at 23.54hrs on 27 September 2013, my beautiful daughter was born. We have named her Tamara, which means palm tree. The palm tree in the bible represents abundance, growth, being upright, fruitfulness. “The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree, they will grow like the cedar of Lebanon” (Psalm 92:12). Refer to “About Tamara” tab for more notes.