On This Day

On this day last year I gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. My life hasn’t been the same since that day. We named her Tamara meaning Palm Tree. A Palm Tree is a very strong tree, through severe storms it remains standing. It may be swayed by strong winds but ultimately it remains standing, it doesn’t break. Palm Trees are also fruitful trees. I could go on about Palm Trees but for now I’ll end here because this speaks of the kind of person I pray my daughter will be. Strong in the Lord, strong as a woman of God and fruitful.

On the 9th of February 2012, if you had told me I was going to be a mother one day I would have despised you because on that day we lost a full term baby boy due to pre-eclampsia. I was so hurt I thought I could never go through pregnancy again. At that time I told myself I couldn’t do it again.

Today I thank God He gave me strength in my day of trouble. I thank Him that He lifted me up from my hurt and sorrow. I thank Him for giving me that ability to let it all go and to hope again. For today, I celebrate my daughter’s first birthday.

Happy birthday to my gorgeous bubbly Tamara!

On this day I’m here to tell you that God has you in the palm of His hand. He’ll never leave you nor forsake you if you let Him be God in your life. Even in the dark times when you feel alone, He’s there. Don’t give up or turn your back on Him when times are rough, even when it seems the tough times won’t come to an end. Hold on and give Him praise!

Psalms 18:2-3 KJV

The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.  I will call upon the Lord , who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

Psalms 30:11 KJV

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

Isaiah 26:4 KJV

Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:

Psalms 46:10 KJV

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.


Mourning Into Dancing

My daughter is sleeping right now. As I look at her I can’t help thinking that she looks so much like the baby I lost. Everything looks almost the same, especially the eyes. She reminds me so much of the son I lost. I can’t help imagine what it would have been like if he had survived. Would I still have had Tamara or she wouldn’t be here? One thing I am certain of is that I am happy I decided to try again. I am happy I didn’t give up after the disappointment and hurt I went through. I am grateful God blessed me with a beautiful little girl that fills my life with joy. God has surely given me beauty for ashes, He has turned my mourning into dancing!

I had lost all hope and had vowed I wouldn’t do it again. I told myself I wouldn’t survive another pregnancy and the possibility of losing another baby. God gave me the courage to try again. Fear threatened to overwhelm me during my second pregnancy but I did not give in. When the time to give birth came, I was so nervous I passed out during surgery but only after I had heard my baby cry. I woke up as they wheeled me to the recovery room. They brought my baby to me and all I could say was oh my!

God is forever good and faithful!

Sorrow Into Joy

Today, 9 February, is the day that I lost my baby two years ago. It is a day that I wish to forget but cannot. It is permanently stamped on my mind. It is easier to relive the events of that day though. God has been my rock and strength. And He turned my mourning into dancing, my sorrow into joy, by blessing me with a wonderful daughter whom I love with all my heart.

I praise God, my Father, the Creator of the Heavens and the earth, for all He has done for me.

Does it ever stop?

I hate going back to this because it’s in the past now, but one can never forget or ever really get over the loss of a baby. One way or another it always finds its way back into your mind and affects the way you respond to stuff. I have been enjoying my life with my beautiful daughter Tamara. I can’t say things have been smooth flowing but so far I’ve been enjoying having her in my life and haven’t known love like this. Today I found myself in a state of panic and back in the place I was when I lost my first baby. I found my baby struggling to breathe and I must say I was filled with so much fear. Minor as it was, at the time it felt huge. My mind was filled with thoughts of losing Tamara I couldn’t think straight. I guess it will always be a part of my life. I can only pray for calm and peace of mind. I pray that I am able to stay calm when it matters most.

Job 13: 5 O that ye would altogether hold your peace! And it should be your wisdom.

The Day She Was Born!!

It happened on a Friday evening. My husband and I were watching tv in the evening. As usual, I fell asleep on the couch! About an hour into my sleep, I had to go to the bathroom! Oh the joys of being pregnant! I remember lying there wondering if I could delay my bathroom trip by a few more minutes! I decided to get up anyway, as I got up, my water broke! What the heck I thought to myself, what is going on? My heart started pounding as I made the short trip to the bathroom. I must have been in so much shock, I didn’t say a word to my husband at that moment. As I got to the bathroom door, more water!! Now I started panicking, I remember telling my husband that I thought my water had broken.

I have never been in such a state of panic in my entire life! Having lost a child at 40 weeks didn’t make my state of mind any better. I was scheduled to go in for a c-section the following Tuesday so my mind wasn’t prepared for this! Getting dressed seemed to take for ever! Every minute felt like an hour as we prepared to go to the hospital. My mind was now in over drive. I didn’t want to be standing around, let alone walk downstairs to the car in case the baby fell out! I laugh at myself now, but at that time it wasn’t funny! I really didn’t want to risk anything.

We got to the hospital, and I must say, I was feeling a bit better, I wasn’t as panicked as I had been when we left home. They ran some tests on me, and announced that I was going to be having my baby that same night via emergency c-section. My blood pressure was high at that moment, most probably because I was in shock. They strapped some gadgets on my stomach that monitored my baby’s heart rate. I must say I hated that bit as at times I lost the baby’s heart rate because she was lying so deep in the womb. It was a nasty thing to do to me as it brought back the memories from when I lost my first baby. They had struggled to find the heart rate and here I was trying to monitor another baby’s heart rate.

I went into theatre shortly before midnight and at 23.54hrs on 27 September 2013, my beautiful daughter was born. We have named her Tamara, which means palm tree. The palm tree in the bible represents abundance, growth, being upright, fruitfulness. “The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree, they will grow like the cedar of Lebanon” (Psalm 92:12). Refer to “About Tamara” tab for more notes.

Overcoming Worry and Fear

Life always seems to bring us something new to worry about each day. We worry about our jobs, our families, our lives, almost everything that matters to us brings us some form of worry at one point. We worry about the possibility of things going wrong or things not going the way we want them to. We worry about the possibility of things not happening for us at all! It seems we move from one worry to the other.

As I get closer to giving birth, I find myself thinking about the day I give birth. I worry about the possibility of things going wrong. What if my baby doesn’t make it? I find the past trying to overwhelm me. I fear not being able to recover if that were to happen. But the thing is, I cannot let those kind of thoughts take over my mind. I cannot allow my mind to dwell on negativity. Maybe it’s just me, but I find most of the times, the mind is conditioned to think negatively. I find myself battling this “conditioning”, replacing the negative with the positive.

I have spent the last year or so, teaching myself to focus on the positive, on the good things in life. I have spent time “reconditioning” my mind. Thus today I find myself looking forward to the day I give birth. I look forward to seeing my daughter! I look forward to spending time with her, nurturing her and being a mother! I am at peace knowing that in a couple of months my daughter will be here. I thank God for giving me the strength to overcome my worries and my fears. I also thank my husband who has been my support, my strength and my prayer warrior. I could not have done it alone.

Romans 12: 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

My Pregnancy Journey So Far

For some time before falling pregnant, I strongly felt I could not walk the pregnancy journey again. I know it’s the opposite of how I felt at the beginning when all I wanted to do was try again. I felt I could not endure the journey again because of my fears, worries and hurt. It was at this point that I heard God say to me, “Who are you to say you cannot do this again?” I let go of my fears and chose to try again. Here I am now in my third trimester, getting closer to seeing my baby.

I have had days where I have felt some pain in my body and the immediate temptation is to panic. You want to know what every single sensation is, why it’s happening and if it will affect the baby. If it wasn’t for pregnancy forums on the internet, the doctor would have been tired of me already. I have been through pregnancy before but it sure doesn’t do anything to ease the worries. I have had to monitor my blood pressure and avoid stressful situations…so far I must say I’m doing well. My blood pressure has been good and hasn’t been any cause for concern. God has been my strength through all this. I spend most of my days working in a stressful environment. I work for a person who can be very unpleasant for long periods of time. So managing to stay calm has been a major feat for me!

Doctor’s appointments have been a joy to go to. Seeing my baby grow each month has filled me with so much joy. Scans have shown that we are expecting a baby girl so I am very much excited! My husband and I agreed a while back that he would name the boys and I would name the girls. Settling on a name hasn’t been easy but I believe I have found the right name for her.

Ultimately, the pregnancy journey has been exciting for me. I have a couple more months to go and I pray that God remains my strength.

Psalm 91: 2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Him will I trust.